The First Time

It wasn't my intention to use "The First Time" as the title for my blog. But, given that I wasn't good at following Google's instructions, it's what I ended up with.  That's okay, I kinda like it now, it fits in fairly well with what I'm trying to do here.

What I'm trying to do is simple, it's the same thing most other bloggers do, share their thoughts and feelings... so with that lack-luster intro, I'll begin :)

Keep It Simple Stupid - KISS, that was the advice given to me years ago, and turns out it was one of the best pieces of advice given to me. So, in the spirit of that advice, I'll share I'm 47 and married. That's where the simplicity stops. The gay, bipolar and HIV  issues are where it gets more complicated. 

I'll share my coming out story even though it's not all that dramatic. I came out of the closet like a tree sloth .

[Sorry about that, I wanted to see how to add pictures :)  By the way, this guy kinda reminds me of me, hanging out, trying to figure out why everything's upside down]

I would like to say that my Southern Baptist upbringing hindered my 'coming out' experience, so I will... and it did.  I'm sure the SB Convention didn't sit down one day and say "Let's try to screw over Jaoyte Urbanek's life today, that sounds like fun". Actually, I think it would be more accurate to say that most of the screw-ups in my life have been of my own making. But it's all in one's perception though, what is a 'screw-up'? You can either look at them as mistakes or learning experiences; I choose the later. So, my coming out experience was a long drawn out process, and surprisingly enough, not all that traumatic. As I recall, my Mother's reaction was something like "I kinda figured that out quite a while ago"... no bang for my buck. I shared with my closest friends (all 2 of them) until I was 21. Then, obviously, I wasn't feeling quite oppressed enough, so I joined the military... back in the closet. And let me just say here, what a joke... gays in the military, who ever heard of such a thing? I realized this the first time I felt brave enough to go to a gay bar in the same town (Abilene TX) I was stationed at. The place was packed with gay fly boys and G.I. Janes as far as the eye could see... I was home! I'm not sure why I went to that club, I was afraid, but not enough to keep me in the dorms, or worse yet, in church. I think we all felt that way; afraid to a certain extent, but not enough to keep hiding from who we were.

I pretty much lived my life in the shadows for the years I was in the Air Force, but once I got out, the last barrier came down. I wasn't militant about being gay, but I didn't try to hide it either. My life and relationships were one big hot mess after I got out of the military (more learning experiences), but I lived my life openly. That was until I met my future husband. He was not out of the closet when we started going together, so back in I went... with him.  That was over twelve years ago, and while I'm not sure who knew what back then, it all worked out okay.

These days I'm out and proud, and I don't use those words lightly. I've heard it said that it is the responsibility of all gays to live their lives openly, as an inspiration and enlightenment for the future generation. I used to think that was crap, it's not that bad... I was wrong.  George W. Bush changed my mind (that'll will probably be about the nicest thing I have to say about that one). I couldn't believe we had a man in charge of our country that was telling gays that they were a threat to 'family values'. My concern was, being gay and trying to find self-worth are hard, and to have someone that is in a position of authority say that you are a 'threat' is not very helpful to say the least. He fostered shame in people that didn't deserve it. Why? I truly hope no one has to feel about themselves the way I did when I was a teenager. I felt I was a liar, dirty and mentally damaged, I believed those things about myself because that is what I was indirectly told by the very people I looked to for support, my church. All of that shit was confusing back then, and I really didn't have anybody to help me. Where was Lady GaGa when I needed her?

Honestly, I don't think anybody is looking to my life as an inspiration, but at least I can say by living an open life that I'm not hurting anyone, and that's enough for me.

So there you have it, the first time. The first time I said I was gay will not be turned into a Lifetime of Showtime movie (thanks Mom,, you could have at least kicked me out of the house :) Oh well, maybe I'll do something else interesting, like join a cult or become a Melissa Etheridge groupie (I love her and want to have her love children).

Have A Nice Life :)

Jaoyte