God Is In The People



For tonight’s subject, I decided to go with something fairly light, God. That shouldn’t be too hard. I have a lot to say on that subject J 

God equals religion, at least in my mind’s mind. The two are cosmically connected. I didn’t make that rule, it was probably the decision of some lesser Pope who decided his subjects better get their heads out of their asses and listen to his demands… sorry, I meant His demands. It worked, they got their heads out of their asses and started living Godly lives.  Godly lives that included  massacring those that had other crazy ideas that had nothing  to do with their more enlightened ideas. Too bad for them.

So about now, you’re thinking ‘bitter much?’ Yes and no. I don’t really have a problem with God, it’s the religion part that rattles my cage. Gee, why on earth would a gay guy from the deep south have a problem with religion?  Forget religion, I have. Actually, I don’t think I could ever forget religion, the good and bad were a big part of my growing up and forming my identity. But, religion isn’t what I’m writing about, is it?

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned to a friend that I didn’t believe in God. He was horrified, you would have thought I dropped trou and pinched a loaf on his new Vera Wang designer bedspread. I retracted the statement immediately. I do believe in God, I’m just not sure He’s who established religions say He is. Honestly, I don’t know. God never stopped by for tea, called or even e-mailed me, He’s like one of those cute guys I used to pick up back in the day… they never called back.

There came a point in my life a while back where I finally admitted to myself my belief in God wasn’t quite as strong as I thought, or claimed it was. How could it be, I didn’t understand Him or His ways. It was about this same time that I had decided to believe in the Judge Judy Philosophy, ‘If it doesn’t make sense, it’s probably not true.’ God didn’t make sense. Why the bad shit? How could anyone be all powerful and allow what’s happening in the world today to occur? Okay, so it’s a juvenile question, but a valid one. Everyone else had the answer to this… free-will, the devil… Hannah Montana. I think maybe there’s bad things because of random chaos. That’s a heavy thought, and down right depressing if you think about it too much. I thought about it a lot, and in some dark, twisted way, it started to make sense… yes sir, it did. For me the question shifted from who is God to Why God. Why was God so important? Then that silly Pope I mentioned earlier came to mind. He knew the answer, he knew why we need God. For order. Let’s face it, us homosapiens can be dicks. The majority of us are average, we are basically decent (by who’s standards?), but every now and then, we get a bee in our bonnet and go bat-shit-crazy. Admittedly, some of us are more BSC then others, but we try. The point is, we need supervision.  The Pope knew that… so he gave us what we needed. Problem is, we fucked it up. Certain people learned how to manipulate God in order to maintain control over their subjects. I didn’t make that shit up, I learnt in it Theology Schewl (I don’t think my professor liked God all that much).

I know I’m treading on holy ground here, but they are only my thoughts. I do believe in a God, I just have a very unclear impression of Him. But, that’s not really enough, is it? My problem is this, who is there to thank when great things happen? Who was there to thank when I met my beautiful husband, married him… who was there to thank for the wonderful people in my life? That’s the sad part, not having anyone to thank. Sooooooo J Maybe I did what others before me have done… I started to view God in a different light. A view where God is more about connection and compassion; one where He doesn’t sentence his creations to an eternal damnation if they don’t believe in Him. I thought maybe other people had this view too. As time passed, I packed my Samsonite and headed out on spiritual pilgrimage; actually, it was more like an overnight sleepover. But anyway, I began to find out a lot of people felt the same way I did about God. We all came to the same conclusion about God, all on our own, separately. God is a broader, more fluid thing, something that’s in everyone.  He’s the best part of us, and more importantly, our connection to each other. This is my God, the one I honor and thank.

So why all the bad shit? Easy, Newton’s Third Law Of Motion, baby! (Yes, I did have to look it up on the internet before I pretended like I actually knew it right off-hand). For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  Okay, so I’m stretching it, but it’s yin and yang. Every good force/thing has its equal and opposite force/thing. I suppose it’s possible we all have the same dark connection as well. Why else would we mistreat each other at times? Why would we take a perverse enjoyment out of others misfortunes? Why would we hate? I don’t like talking about the bad, so to quote Forrest Gump, ‘That’s all I have to say about that.’

God is in all of us. Your God gives you hope, love and a promise of eternal life, His God gives him guidance in the journey to enlightenment, My God wears bell-bottoms and platform shoes and sings an awful lot like Melissa Etheridge. He’s the same God, and He’s in all of us.

My Love Is Your Love

Why do I feel like a part of my history died yesterday with Whitney Houston?  I wonder if anyone else feels that way?  For me, Whitney’s music was a part of the soundtrack of my 80s and 90s.  With pretty much every major event in my life, there was a Houston song that was playing in the background.

‘You Give Good Love’ was the first song I heard by Whitney, and while it was a bit on slow side for my fast-ass at the time, the voice was a different matter, it was pure and powerful.   While Whitney racked up an impressive list of songs that followed, it was ‘So Emotional’ that caught and held my attention.  I had just returned to the States from being stationed in England for 2 years.  Those 2 years  were wonderful for the most part, but I had been living under the double whammy of religious convictions and the military.  In England I had no where to express a big part of myself.  I missed dancing… a lot.  I missed the former days before I joined the Air Force when I would hop in my car or borrow one and head out to Waco.  Tallulah’s was the gay bar in Waco where I went to be with people like myself; people who wanted to dance, drink and have sex.  While  initially I felt awkward there, eventually  I felt more at home and connected there.  When I joined the Air Force, I left all that behind, I had to.  But in 1988, when I returned to the US, I was determined to reconnect with that experience… and I did, in a big way.  I was stationed at Dyess AFB in Abilene Texas, but on weekends, I would head out on a three and a half hour drive to Waco to return to Tallulah’s.  I also found out a new gay bar had opened up since I left, I’m pretty sure it was called the Cactus Rose.  It was there I met some wonderful and interesting people… I was back on track, and extremely happy about it.  I felt alive again and first and foremost, music was my constant companion back then.  Characters entered and left the stage, but the soundtrack was always there; the music that I will always identify with that period.  Songs that today can remind me of what it felt like back then to be so happy and carefree.  One that stuck out above the rest was Whitney’s ‘So Emotional’, it was great! Upbeat and full of life… like me back then.  I still get a little bit of that feeling today when I hear it.

As I entered the 90s, I also entered my first serious relationship.  My relationship with Charles was complicated yet exciting.  It was full of intense emotions for me, and as always, music was my ultimate comforter.  Again, Whitney’s music was there.  I remember at the start of our relationship, I easily feel under the spell of ‘All The Man I Need’, lol… I knew it was written about us, and more to the point, it was how I felt.  The thing about this song is it reminds me of a time when I could love recklessly, crazy… stupid love.  I can’t love like that now… I’ve taken too many hits over the years and I just can’t do it, even if I wanted to.  But I can remember how it felt to be that way.  Loving like that means you’re experiencing all the mountain top highs and death valley lows. It means your living life to it’s absolute fullest.

Music soothes the soul so they say. It does for me. In one of the darker moments of my relationship with Charles, I felt alone and lost with little support. Again, music was my self-prescribed medicine, and again, Whitney was a part of it.  In the winter of 1992, I felt cold.  That’s how I remember it, feeling cold.  I also remember riding in my car and hearing ‘I Will Always Love You’ for the first time. I recognized the song; it was Dolly’s, a song that made a HUGE impression on me back in the early 80s when Dolly recorded it a second time for the soundtrack of ‘The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas’.  I played the shit out of that little 45. Now Whitney had recorded it… what was she thinking?  Okay, so I had a bit of a grudge about it, but there was another song off ‘The Bodyguard’ soundtrack that hit home. ‘Run To You’ will always be engrained in my mind as a bittersweet reminder that time in my life.

When our relationship ended the first time, again I was free, but hurt. I tried to fix that in all the wrong ways, I lived hard and it took it’s toll in a very short time period.  By September of 95, I had lost my job and was completely and utterly ruined.  Then Charles offered to move me to Utica New York from Abilene, and I took him up on that. Why I did that is a story for another time but for whatever reason there was, I, more than anything needed to get out of Texas. If I hadn’t, I would have died. It was that blunt and clear. So, I started over in New York. This time the soundtrack was again bright, but yet a bit more war-torned. ‘Exhale’ said it the loudest, it was time to let go of Texas and relax and enjoy a new beginning. It was soothing yet focused. I needed those things in my life during that period of my life.

The mid to late 90s was probably the most interesting period of my life; a time full of horrific and wonderful experiences. There’s a lot I have to say about that period, but again, that’s really for another time. What I will say is that I made it through my new beginning. Every beggining has an ending, and mine came in the form of Mike, my husband.  He brought an end to that period of searching, with his love. I was a bit slow to respond (by my standards anyway ;), but shortly, I gave in to him.  The music this time was full of hope, excitement and joy… time to dance! Two songs by Whitney were present for this party, ‘Step By Step’ and ‘My Love Is Your Love’. I played ‘Step By Step’ on the jukebox at That Place just so we all could dance together. Mike and me, Tony and John… we danced to Whitney… and it was good J. 

At the risk of embarrassing my husband, I have to share why ‘My Love Is Your Love’ is one of my favorite, if not favorite song of Whitney’s. The version I will consider the official version is the Jonathan Peters Remix. This was the version we danced to at That Place. Mike told me that song reminded him of us.  Well… he might as well just have engraved it in stone, it was our song! It still brings a smile to my face, to hear it and remember that exciting new experience; the experience of having someone love me that in such a new and wonderful way.

So there you have it, my musical trek with Whitney Houston and why her music has meant so much to me. It’s sad to think there won’t be any more music, but even sadder to know that we have lost a beautiful voice that was such a big part of so many lives. Although she’s gone, her voice will always be with us.

RIP Whitney 2012

Jaoyte

The First Time

It wasn't my intention to use "The First Time" as the title for my blog. But, given that I wasn't good at following Google's instructions, it's what I ended up with.  That's okay, I kinda like it now, it fits in fairly well with what I'm trying to do here.

What I'm trying to do is simple, it's the same thing most other bloggers do, share their thoughts and feelings... so with that lack-luster intro, I'll begin :)

Keep It Simple Stupid - KISS, that was the advice given to me years ago, and turns out it was one of the best pieces of advice given to me. So, in the spirit of that advice, I'll share I'm 47 and married. That's where the simplicity stops. The gay, bipolar and HIV  issues are where it gets more complicated. 

I'll share my coming out story even though it's not all that dramatic. I came out of the closet like a tree sloth .

[Sorry about that, I wanted to see how to add pictures :)  By the way, this guy kinda reminds me of me, hanging out, trying to figure out why everything's upside down]

I would like to say that my Southern Baptist upbringing hindered my 'coming out' experience, so I will... and it did.  I'm sure the SB Convention didn't sit down one day and say "Let's try to screw over Jaoyte Urbanek's life today, that sounds like fun". Actually, I think it would be more accurate to say that most of the screw-ups in my life have been of my own making. But it's all in one's perception though, what is a 'screw-up'? You can either look at them as mistakes or learning experiences; I choose the later. So, my coming out experience was a long drawn out process, and surprisingly enough, not all that traumatic. As I recall, my Mother's reaction was something like "I kinda figured that out quite a while ago"... no bang for my buck. I shared with my closest friends (all 2 of them) until I was 21. Then, obviously, I wasn't feeling quite oppressed enough, so I joined the military... back in the closet. And let me just say here, what a joke... gays in the military, who ever heard of such a thing? I realized this the first time I felt brave enough to go to a gay bar in the same town (Abilene TX) I was stationed at. The place was packed with gay fly boys and G.I. Janes as far as the eye could see... I was home! I'm not sure why I went to that club, I was afraid, but not enough to keep me in the dorms, or worse yet, in church. I think we all felt that way; afraid to a certain extent, but not enough to keep hiding from who we were.

I pretty much lived my life in the shadows for the years I was in the Air Force, but once I got out, the last barrier came down. I wasn't militant about being gay, but I didn't try to hide it either. My life and relationships were one big hot mess after I got out of the military (more learning experiences), but I lived my life openly. That was until I met my future husband. He was not out of the closet when we started going together, so back in I went... with him.  That was over twelve years ago, and while I'm not sure who knew what back then, it all worked out okay.

These days I'm out and proud, and I don't use those words lightly. I've heard it said that it is the responsibility of all gays to live their lives openly, as an inspiration and enlightenment for the future generation. I used to think that was crap, it's not that bad... I was wrong.  George W. Bush changed my mind (that'll will probably be about the nicest thing I have to say about that one). I couldn't believe we had a man in charge of our country that was telling gays that they were a threat to 'family values'. My concern was, being gay and trying to find self-worth are hard, and to have someone that is in a position of authority say that you are a 'threat' is not very helpful to say the least. He fostered shame in people that didn't deserve it. Why? I truly hope no one has to feel about themselves the way I did when I was a teenager. I felt I was a liar, dirty and mentally damaged, I believed those things about myself because that is what I was indirectly told by the very people I looked to for support, my church. All of that shit was confusing back then, and I really didn't have anybody to help me. Where was Lady GaGa when I needed her?

Honestly, I don't think anybody is looking to my life as an inspiration, but at least I can say by living an open life that I'm not hurting anyone, and that's enough for me.

So there you have it, the first time. The first time I said I was gay will not be turned into a Lifetime of Showtime movie (thanks Mom,, you could have at least kicked me out of the house :) Oh well, maybe I'll do something else interesting, like join a cult or become a Melissa Etheridge groupie (I love her and want to have her love children).

Have A Nice Life :)

Jaoyte